


I Want to be Okay

by TheatrePhantom



Series: Human Zim [1]
Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anorexia, Daddy Issues, Eating Disorders, Everyone Has Issues, Family Issues, Gen, Genderfluid Character, High School, Human Zim (Invader Zim), Hurt, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mommy Issues, Not Beta Read, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Starvation, Trans Character, Trans Dib (Invader Zim), Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:47:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25152667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheatrePhantom/pseuds/TheatrePhantom
Summary: Human Zim has some problems that he struggles to work through. No mtter what he does, things never seem to improve.Inspired by the song Prom Queen by Beach Bunny.
Relationships: Dib & Zim (Invader Zim), Dib/Zim (Invader Zim)
Series: Human Zim [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855570
Comments: 25
Kudos: 58





	I Want to be Okay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stup1d_K4m](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stup1d_K4m/gifts).



For the majority of his life, Zim had considered himself to be above most other humans. His self-confidence was through the roof and he had an ego the size of his kismesis’ head. That paired with his _mild_ God-complex was a fun little cocktail for absolute disaster and it was only a matter of time before Zim was taken down a few notches by his fellow classmates and everything changing around him. 

As middle school and high school progressed, everyone around Zim changed. Their voices, their bodies, their personalities. Zim, on the other hand, felt as though he had remained mostly stagnant throughout the time. It wasn’t until how the others treated him and how _Dib_ acted began to change that this was brought to his attention. 

Suddenly, Zim felt the crushing pressure that everyone talked about but that Zim had never been able to imagine would ever impact him even slightly. He had never felt such hatred towards himself as he did those dark years of high school. It was as if every good thing he had seen in himself had been washed away as a cold bucket of water was upended above him, dousing him in the reality that he hadn’t seen before. 

And that reality hurt more than most other things seemed to.

For the first time ever, Zim found him doubting himself almost completely. He felt happy about very few aspects of his appearance and personality and it weighed upon him heavily as the days dragged by with people becoming increasingly hostile and dismissive of him. 

What hurt the most, though, was the realization that Dib had completely lost interest in him. 

For several years, their relationship had been based on mutual hatred mingled with respect for the other. They were pinned against one another constantly and did everything they could to keep a constant battle going on between them, whether it was with their fists or with their intellects. They did everything in their power to do better than the other and excel in ways that the other could only hope to achieve. Zim and Dib were constantly at the top of their classes due to their battles to best the other and both pushed themselves both mentally and physically to get further than the other. 

Now, though, Dib had completely given up on him. The other man has abandoned their strange relationship in spite of the fact that it had lasted for several years. Just like that, he dropped their entire dynamic without sparing a glance back at what he had spent so much of his time and energy on. Dib left without a word in favour of someone else- some pretty girl that he has a far more peaceful and cheery relationship with. He abandoned Zim as if he meant nothing. 

Just like his mother, Miyuki, had all those years ago when she died. 

Zim was sick and _tired_ of being left behind and forgotten as though he was _nothing_ . Zim was brilliant and powerful in so many ways that those around him just couldn’t comprehend. It wasn’t that he was less than them, they were just too blind and foolish to see that _he_ was perfect. Zim wasn’t the problem!

...but what if he was?

It hadn’t _just_ been Dib who had left him. His birth mother had left him as well and several of his foster homes had given him up before he finally landed in the care of his current fathers. That was more than enough to form a pattern that was clear as day and that pattern told him that people just had a tendency to leave him. People got bored with Zim and discarded him and, for the first time ever, he had to wonder if it was actually _his_ fault. 

Zim had to change things and he had to so quickly. He refused to continue to be left behind by those that he grew attached to any more. No longer would he be overlooked and unloved. He was going to _change things_. 

It started off simple. 

Zim became incredibly conscious of his caloric intake. He carefully considered how many calories were in every single food item he ate, cautious to not go over the limit that he had set for himself, no matter how hungry he was. Zim may not have been particularly large beforehand, but he knew what it was that people wanted and who was he to deny them? 

The changes in his physique were minuscule, taking far too much time to leave any impact on Zim’s body aside from the lingering hunger when he didn’t eat well enough. He wasn’t happy with the small changes, so he began to eat even less, pushing himself to eat as little as possible when he did eat and to drink as much water as he could instead, warding off hunger and weight with the liquid. It may not have been satisfying as actually eating food was, but it was _something_.

Both of Zim’s fathers seemed to constantly eat junk foods. Despite this, their metabolism was so powerful that they stayed in good shape no matter what. It was a shame that Zim couldn’t get that trait from them. Oh, how much easier it would be if he could look pretty and perfect without having to starve himself as he did. 

But Zim wasn’t so lucky. He had to work hard for the changes in his body and he wondered if his fathers were noticing. While they had likely noticed the fact that Zim had been eating less and less- coming up with excuses to not eat anytime they had family meals together- he wasn’t sure whether or not they would care that he wasn’t eating. As much as he wanted them to and as much as it made sense to him, he couldn’t be sure. Clearly, Zim had been overestimating himself and how much others liked him. Why would his dads be any different?

Weeks passed with him eating as little as he possibly could while still consuming enough to function and Zim couldn’t help but feel proud of himself in some twisted way. Despite the way hunger clawed at his stomach, seeing the numbers on the scale slowly slide back more and more over the days made him smile. The flatness of his stomach and the more prominent curve of his ribs and dip of his hips made up for the dizzying hunger that overtook his body as the weeks passed. 

Despite the massive change, nothing in the way his peers treated him seemed was altered. They still overlooked and ignored him unless he was screaming or demanding their attention in one way or another. Even Dib- the one he had hoped to gain the attention of the most- continued to refuse him anything more than a passing glance. 

That hurt even more than the hunger did. 

Clearly, what he was doing already wasn’t enough. That was okay, though. He could change things. That wasn’t all that he had to offer the world. 

Being gender fluid gave Zim an array of ways to express himself and a variety of outfit options to play around with when he was looking to impress those around him. Typically, when he chose clothing, he looked for things that made him feel comfortable with however he wanted to present that day rather than thinking about how he would be perceived and whether or not others would find it appealing. Recently, though, it seemed like a far better idea to begin focusing more on the latter option.

In another attempt to gain the respect and attention of his peers- specifically Dib- he ended up revamping his entire wardrobe, taking on a style that wasn’t entirely his own nor entirely in his comfort zone. 

Zim began pushing his outfit choices to the extreme no matter what day it was, wearing form-fitting or revealing clothes most days. On Zim's feminine or androgynous days, she wore cropped shirts to expose their flat, somewhat muscled stomach. On other days, tight button-down worked wonders at showing off the physique he had worked so hard for. 

As it turned out, he had been right about one thing- dressing differently _did_ draw attention to himself. In his new outfits, even if he didn’t like all of them, he turned heads and _oh_ he loved the attention. Their stares as he walked by, their heads swivelling to follow his movements made him feel amazing. He felt _seen_ by them. He felt appreciated. He was proving to them that he wasn’t someone to just be discarded as they had done once before. 

Zim was _almighty_. 

But Dib _still_ wouldn’t even look his fucking way. No matter what it was he did, it seemed he could never gain the boy’s attention. Despite all of his attempts, Zim wasn’t able to restore their previous relationship. The changes that he underwent did absolutely nothing to ignite the same spark he had within the other boy when he first met him. He just couldn’t seem to get Dib’s attention _at all_ and the attention that he got from his peers, while immediately gratifying, was clearly not akin to _respect_. 

Even with his best efforts, Dib was still staring at that stupid girl and not paying any attention to _him_. Nothing that Zim had done to make himself more impressive had drawn any of his nemesis’ attention back to him. Despite making himself even more of a formidable foe than he had been before, Dib refused to give him the time of day- as is he didn’t even notice Zim’s existence. 

Zim _hated_ the fact that Dib had been able to move on to something else so easily while Zim was stuck in the past, missing their relationship regardless of how fucked up it had been.

The more he longingly stared at them from afar, the more he found himself wishing that he were _her_ \- or at least, _like_ her. While Zim didn’t particularly like the girl, it was clear that Dib _did_ and even if Zim didn’t want the same kind of attention that Dib was giving her for himself, he wanted _something_. He wanted their old chaotic, intense rivalry back. He wanted a reason to push himself like Dib had given him throughout all those years. He wanted someone in his life who was important to him like Dib had been for such a long time. He wanted what they used to have back. 

Zim gritted his teeth angrily as he ran his fingers through his hair harshly, dragging the dye through the strands as he did so. Zim kept telling himself that it wasn’t strange that he was doing this so he could look more like _her_ \- more appealing. He kept telling himself that what he was doing was normal. Those shitty videos about self-esteem that their teachers had shown them all in middle school were enough to prove to Zim that, at the very least, he wasn’t completely alone in these strange concerns about himself and his body.

He continued to lather the coloured dye into his hair, working it in as best as he could without getting help from a third party. If he couldn’t even get and keep Dib’s attention then how was he ever going to get _anyone_ to care about him? If Dib had been able to give up on him so easily after everything that they had gone through together, then Zim had no confidence that he would be able to get anyone else to care about him for any longer than a couple of years. The attention that he was getting at school wasn’t _enough_ and it was his own fault. He wasn’t working hard enough to make himself perfect, to make himself desired enough by others for them to actually care about him. 

Zim tugged harshly on his hair, yanking at the fibres despite the pain that prickled in his scalp as he did so. 

How was anyone going to love him if he couldn’t even keep his nemesis’ attention? 

By the time Zim rinsed the paste from his hair and dried it, his hair was bleach blonde. Just like her’s. 

While he didn’t think it suited him and never would have died his hair like that under any other circumstances, seeing his reflection made him smile. He may not have been perfect yet, but he was getting there. He truly looked beautiful, even if it was strange on him. 

He hoped that it was enough to make the others care about him.

~~~

As he waltzed through the hallways, he drew people’s eyes his way. People stopped in their tracks to watch him and a few people even attempted to speak to him, a couple going as far as to ask him out on dates.

All of those requests made Zim frown. While it was definitely a nice amount of attention, it wasn’t the right _kind_ of attention. It was clear that none of them actually cared about or loved him. They felt nothing more for him than infatuation. They wanted nothing more from him than his body.

It made him sick. 

Why wasn’t anyone giving him what he wanted? Everything that he had done to change his appearance had been for them, so why wasn’t he able to form any meaningful relationships? Why did all of it feel so fake and plastic? 

The pain was overwhelming. 

His stomach ached with the desire for any substantial food. His hips and upper thighs stung with the echoes of his own nails from those nights when the stress and aggravation grew so strong that he began to take it out upon himself, raking his sharp nails over the sensitive flesh. His head pounded with the headache that grew the longer he went without eating and the more he allowed his thoughts to overtake him. 

Most of all though, the feeling of being overlooked and unloved was overwhelming. It hurt far more than any of the physical pain that ailed him. The scratches across his skin and the growling of his stomach didn’t hold a candle to the pain he felt inside himself. 

Abruptly, Zim was drawn from his thoughts as he felt a new presence enter his space.

He had been sitting on the floor of the hallway, hidden away from the majority of the chaos that was going on, and sticking to the relatively empty halls of their school. He couldn’t stand being in the cafeteria during lunch- partially because the place was packed with people and absolutely disgusting, but primarily because the sight and scent of all of that food made him feel nauseous. 

As he looked up, Zim felt his heart stop. Next to him was the very target of all of his recent concerns: Dib Membrane. 

“You’ve been acting weird, lately. You’re not eating like normal, you’re not wearing your weird, eccentric outfits, you bleached your hair, and you’re always brooding.” As Dib sat down beside Zim, his eyebrows drew together in concern, “So what’s up?”

Despite the fact that Zim wanted nothing more than to tell someone, _anyone_ , all fo the problems and concerns that had been plaguing him recently, he just couldn’t bring himself to. Instead, he felt defensiveness bubble up within him, “ _Nothing_.”

Dib looked unamused, “I think these past few months you’ve changed more than you have throughout the entire time I’ve known you. You don’t seem happy about it, though.” For a moment, his eyes scanned over Zim’s gaunt body, “Have you been eating at _all_ , Zim?”

“Of _course_ I have. I’m not an idiot.”

Dib ignored him, opting to dig into the pocket of his trenchcoat instead. What he withdrew was something smelling strongly of cinnamon and sugar wrapped carefully in a paper towel. He held out his hand, offering it up to Zim. “We made monkey bread in home economics. I was just going to save it and eat it when I got home, but you clearly need it more.”

Zim scowled at the offending item that was offered to him. He couldn’t resist, though, the desire to eat and the scent of the delicious food more important than his body for a moment. 

Without a word, Zim reached out and grabbed the baked good from Dib’s hands, quickly unwrapping it and digging into the delicious food.

As Zim ate, Dib stayed silent, just watching him with a distant sort of concern in his eyes. By the time Zim finished eating it, he began worrying at his lower lip with his teeth. He shouldn’t have taken that from Dib. He shouldn’t have eaten _anything_ today. He-

“Hey,” Dib drew Zim’s attention to him by snapping his fingers before the man’s eyes.

“I’m fine,” Zim reassured before Dib could even say anything. It didn’t sound convincing to either of them, though. 

“Clearly you’re not…” Dib frowned, leaning back against the wall, “Listen, I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I have problems with my body, too.”

"I _do not_ have problems with-"

"Then why aren't you eating?" Dib's voice was mildly accusatory as he spoke, "If you don't have problems with your body, why did you change everything if it clearly isn't making you happy?"

"Oh, fuck _off_ !" Zim snapped, "You've been ignoring me for _months_ and _now_ you care? After years of us being pinned against each other in every way, you just… _left_ me! You've been avoiding and ignoring me for months and now and all of a sudden you care what's happening to me? After actively ignoring me for months, you've _finally_ decided to grace me with your presence and ask me uncomfortable, prying questions about things you know _nothing_ about."

"Then _explain_."

Zim glared, "Why should I?"

"Because something is _obviously_ bothering you and I'm tired of watching you destroy yourself," Dib sighed, "I'm not going to leave until you tell me so you should just start talking."

Zim sighed as well, letting his head fall back to lean against the lockers behind them, "I'm just… sick of _everyone_ overlooking me."

Dib began to frown, "I don't-"

" _Yes,_ you do," Zim countered, "You've completely abandoned our rivalry. You don't even _try_ to do better than me in our classes anymore. You don't even speak to me anymore. You've _left_ me. You wouldn't even tell me why."

Dib fell silent as if he didn't know what to say. Instead, he leaned to the side slightly so that their shoulders brushed up against one another's faintly, "So… why change your appearance, then?" 

"I had hoped people would take interest in me if I looked more appealing to them," Zim sighed, "They say beauty makes people happy. _Clearly_ , that wasn't enough, though."

"You looked great before."

"I don't think anyone else in this shithole would agree."

"I mind of have a similar problem," Dib gestured to his body vaguely, "I, uh, worry about not looking masculine enough and getting misgendered or having people claim that I'm 'faking it'."

Zim hummed. At least he wasn't along. 

"The point _is_ , even if people here are dicks about it, you shouldn't let them control your decisions. The people here seriously aren't worth the trouble, Zim."

"I _know_ that. That doesn't change anything, though."

"Why not?"

"Because if the people here can't love me, how can I expect anyone else to?" 

"It may not be the kind of love you want, but I definitely do care about you," Dib tilted his head to the side, "I'm sorry that things got… weird between us. When we got into that argument, I really thought that you didn't want me in your life anymore."

"Well, you were _wrong_ ," Zim glanced to the side to look at Dib, "You're not the only problem, though. Everyone else leaves me, too. I'm pretty sure it's my fault, at this point. 

"It's not your fault," Dib sighed, "People leave you because the world is shit, not because you've done anything wrong. Even if you did, changing your appearance wouldn't do anything." 

"I can _see_ that," Zim glared disdainfully in the direction of the cafeteria where nearly all of their peers were. Zim drew his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself. 

Why was it that even now that Dib was finally talking to him, it didn't feel any better? Why did he still feel so empty inside? _Nothing_ was better. Despite all of his effort, he just couldn't seem to fix himself. Even after everything he'd done, he felt like a disappointment. The only reason Dib was even talking to him was because he pitied the smaller human. He didn't want Dib's pity- he didn't want to be seen as nothing more than a pathetic kitten that couldn't even get through a day without breaking down. 

More than that, though, Zim wanted fo stop _feeling_ like that pathetic kitten struggling through the day. He didn't want every day to be so difficult. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be _loved_. He just wanted...

"I just want to be okay…"

**Author's Note:**

> Half of this was written on my phone, so... complications.


End file.
